Agony Answers, Psychology, Relationships
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Agony Answers: Should I settle for less than true love?

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True or false?

Q: I am forty and never been married or had children. I have been seeing a man for six months who is lovely but I don’t feel the spark I have felt with previous partners. Should I settle and have the family I’ve always wanted knowing that I won’t be unhappy, but won’t be madly in love?

A: This is such a dilemma and I really feel for you – and for the man you’ve met too. The fact that you’re even asking for advice rings warning bells – if you really loved this man, you wouldn’t be asking what I think, would you? Equally, if you were twenty, or even thirty, you would know the answer to your own question – you’d walk away. The problem here is that your biological clock isn’t just ticking; it’s ringing its alarm bell.
But, of course, there is no guarantee that you could have children – with or without this man. Does he actually want children? Have you discussed the possibility?

Then again, there’s the magic spark you mention – which is obviously very important to you. You felt it with previous partners yet you’re not with them now. We all know that the heady ‘falling in love’ phase doesn’t last and, while some partnerships based on passion stand the test of time, many don’t. Equally more pragmatic relationships, based on mutual respect, shared interests and a gentler kind of love can endure and prove truly satisfying. The problem is you just don’t know – and you also cannot tell if you’re going to meet someone in the future with whom you have that ‘spark’. What would you do then, if you were committed to this ‘lovely’ man and if you had children?

You have to be very honest with yourself. What is most important to you? The spark or being settled? If you want a child above all else, then there are other options than being in a relationship. You also have to consider the man. Is it fair to make a home with him when your heart isn’t really in it? If you feel this way after six months, how will you feel after six years?

I’d suggest doing some heart-based meditations to find some clarity. Flower Spirit do wonderful healing meditations – check out their site. I have a feeling the Emotional Peace Process might be of enormous help.

This first appeared in Natural Health magazine.

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